“Ed, there are electrical problems at Ocean Rest and we moved the retreat to Pennsylvania. Can you pick up the retreat director at Newark airport and drive her out to Malvern?”
“No problem, Dennis!”
Close friends know this response from me is anything but that. It is what I say when three people want to use our community car and go in three different directions at the same time. It is what I say after learning that our community sewage system has just backed up into our garage. In general “no problem” means I have no idea how to handle the situation right now, but give me a little time.
In this case I had heard the retreat director’s name was Felicia McKnight, that she was coming from Santa Cruz and that she was a Jungian Spiritual Director. My “no problem” really meant “Where is Malvern, what does she look like and how do I carry on a conversation all that way with a Jungian psychotherapist?”
Most often these challenging situations that inconvenience me have a hidden blessing. And so it was this June afternoon at Newark airport in 2007 the first day of a relationship that has changed me forever and led to my life “after life.”
Within six months I retired from Highbridge Community Life Center, an amazing neighborhood organization in the South Bronx. Residents and workers at Highbridge were of one mind and heart around its mission — to break the cycle of poverty, to build community and personal assets, and to bridge to a better life for all families. How could I find better than that? Leaving this magnificent place felt like the end of my life — or at least the end of a life.
During those 25 years at Highbridge, I did all the first half of life things — got a job, degrees, promotions, more degrees, slept little, survived the darkest days of the South Bronx and learned to love the people I lived and worked with. A few long retreat experiences in New Mexico and Rome, an emergence of good leadership within the Highbridge organization, and the aging process led me to a year of executive transition at Highbridge and ultimately to retiring on January 1, 2008. This was the end of one life for me.
Back to Newark
Felicia seemed to be the only person waiting at arrivals that afternoon. Our car conversation all the way to Malvern was surprisingly enjoyable. I heard about her family, her connection with the Brothers in Narragansett and her work over the years in parish ministry and retreats. I shared my challenge of preparing to transition from Highbridge, my hope to begin new work with the Lasallian Volunteers, as well as my rich experience with the families of the South Bronx.
Mandala by Br. Ed
Principal among my memories of that Malvern retreat were writing down dreams after a lapse of several years; painting mandalas (circular symbols of the sacred); and sharing on a personal level with the other participants.
I recall getting a little carried away on the last day. During a special prayer involving watercolors, I invited the other participants to paint a mural on my belly above the spot where I was to lose a piece of my colon in surgery a week later.
Spiritual Direction Internship
In the months that followed, Felicia was invited to lead and direct the first ever Spiritual Direction Internship by the leadership team of the LINE district. Both she and they invited me to be among the seven founding participants. It was strange territory for me and a place I never envisioned myself to be in my first life.
We Nobles (named after our meeting place on that street in Narragansett) met for the first time on Friday evening January 11, 2008. I was about as articulate that evening about how I got to that point as I might have been with the same question about my first life on August 27, 1940 (the day I was born). I mumbled a few comments about the course helping me to relate to people but really had no idea. I was in the presence of Mystery.
These 10 weekends together over a year and a half — the directed readings, the bonding between and among us, the required verbatims with directees, and the chance to return myself to spiritual direction — made the Internship the framework or trellis of my life after life. In my garden at home, the trellis is always in the sun and near the tiny climbing rose plant. Or it is just in easy reach of the new pole beans. It is really the place where, as the season wears on, nature can proudly show off its new life and beauty. And so these times together and assignments provided structure for me and a place to hang and display the important “a-ha!” experiences or insights of my life after life.
These weekends were spread over a year and a half, allowing my gradual digestion of ideas and insights. Part of each weekend for Felicia was teaching on depth psychology or spirituality — a big help for me as someone who never took a course in psychology.
This internship was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I was changing in ways I never planned and was realizing new ways to look at my life after life. I felt relieved, enlightened, encouraged and affirmed.
Hidden in Plain Sight
New to me was the realization that my life is a long journey. I feel like Ulysses who took so long to return home after the wars (my life) only to set out on another journey (life after Life).
About a year after the internship I joined a group of young Lasallians on a bike ride across the country to raise awareness of the Lasallian mission. This two month trek opened my eyes to a wider understanding of my life journey; I realized I was on a pilgrimage not to some shrine but to living each moment with intention. I called my 19 companions on the ride pilgrims, and wrote at the time: “Pilgrims embrace change, balance life and death, befriend the earth, wrestle with dragons, live in the now, receive hospitality, be family, serve neighbors, discover personal gold and love God everywhere.” It is a simple and meaningful way to be.
Pilgrims are never alone. They walk in the presence of God both within themselves and in the beauty of creation. This presence is the softness, warmth and gentleness that gives validation to my masculine world. It is an empathetic, value-based, feeling “heart” that knows intuitively the practical wisdom of life. It is the tenderness, compassion, understanding and even wildness that makes it harder and harder to judge people, get excited about TV football games, or cheer for consecutive life sentences for criminals.
It is never weak or simply emotional. It is as strong as Mary, His mother, and many of the women in the Greek myths like Psyche. I think it is the feminine face of God called Sophia by many.
The axis mundi (in religion or mythology) is the world center or the connection between Heaven and Earth.
It may have the form of a natural object, such as a tree.
One other life changing insight for me was to put aside the pursuit of perfection. I’m now a student of the spirituality of imperfection. My wounded, limited, screwed up, human condition is the perfect stance before God. This internship taught me that the human condition is pure gold when it comes to relating to my fellow humans — and through them to God. In my imperfection, I can be proud of being a link between creation here below and the gods above. It is the tree pose in yoga and the stately maples on the lawn in Narragansett (axis mundi).
As a 70-something in today’s society — and in the Lasallian family — life after life means balancing lots of paradoxes (a popular topic during the Internship). John O’Malley used paradoxes to describe his hope of what qualities the church should identify with after Vatican II. They resonate in my heart. The Nobles, Felicia, the Lasallian family, and Sophia are all helping me to do likewise in my life after life.
Balance by Moving:
from commands to invitations,
from laws to ideals,
from definitions to mystery,
from threats to persuasion,
from coercion to conscience,
from monologue to dialogue,
from ruling to service,
from withdrawn to integrated,
from vertical to horizontal,
from exclusion to inclusion,
from hostility to friendship,
from rivalry to partnership,
from suspicion to trust,
from static to ongoing.
from passive acceptance to civic engagement,
from fault finding to appreciation,
from prescriptive to principled,
from behavior modification to inner appropriation.
by John O’Malley
Brother Ed Phelan has the creativity, compassion and courage to weave a life after life. His success is in direct relationship to the encouragement of the Nobles, Felicia McKnight and the members of his community in the South Bronx.
Being true to life helps us to be true to You. There is always a series of non coincidences taking place in our lives. It may be a chance meeting with someone who has no idea that part of their life purpose is passing a bright torch of enlightenment to us. I often wonder how far reaching the little things we say and do really go. How many do we touch? In truth we touch All because we are all one. I just envisioned the wind blowing through an endless field of golden wheat. Every single grain touched and moved in a single direction. This is humanity and the winds of change that will move us all towards peace, love and the next evolution of the ever changing Spirit of All and One.
I love the dates that you spoke of especially your retirement date of January 1st. One of my pivotal life moments was a January 1st as well. That was the day my mom ascended and not so coincidentally the day that I was enlightened by the realization that death does not exist. We are always transforming and our souls and spirits, created in the image of God are continually evolving as well. With every life after life moment we experience, learn and grow. January 11th or 111 is a very special number that tells us to pay special attention to our thoughts and ideas as these are revealing the answers to our prayers. Our positive affirmations and optimistic attitude will help to manifest our desires and help us to achieve our goals and aspirations. They will also assist us with serving our spiritual life purpose and soul mission.
Keep on doing what you are here to do Ed. Remain present and open to your GGS (God Guidance System). I’m looking forward to the next time my GGS leads me back to you and my Lasallian Brothers. Tell John I said hello.
Be Peace,
Ron Ash